Communication Strategies for Borderline Personality Disorder

Understanding how to communicate with someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can help improve your relationship with them by focusing on good communication.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition that significantly affects a person’s ability to regulate emotions. This, in turn, can lead to impulsive behavior and trouble with self-esteem or self-image. BPD also makes communication and relationships challenging.

To help maintain a healthy relationship, there are several ways to communicate with someone who has BPD including:

• Listen with empathy
• Validate their feelings
• Explore their interests
• Set healthy boundaries
• Be clear and consistent
• Check in regularly
• Learn about treatments and support
• Change their focus
• Offer constructive criticism
• Be patient

Keep reading to find out more about how to help someone with BPD, how to communicate with them, and ways you can take care of yourself in the process.

Symptoms of BPD

Communication may be difficult for people with BPD because they tend to see the world as either all good or all bad. Their moods can be volatile and intense, and it may be hard to control anger.

BPD is often described as chaotic and unpredictable. A person with BPD may go through periods in which they don't show any symptoms of the illness but then become triggered by something. This is known as an episode and is marked by worsening signs and symptoms. Common BPD triggers include:

• Being rejected (perceived or real)
• Feeling betrayed
• Feeling abandoned at the smallest slight (perceived or real)
• Being offended
• Feeling disappointed
• Having one’s self-concept threatened
• Being in a boring situation
• Being alone

These feelings are very real for them and can lead to:

• A distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, condomless sex, substance misuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
• Self-harming behavior, such as cutting
• Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats
• Intense and highly variable moods, with episodes lasting from a few hours to a few days
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
• Feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside one’s body, or feelings of unreality

It's important to be consistent in your approach and to practice clear communication on a daily basis. That said, it's best to save any difficult conversations for when your loved one isn't having an episode. They'll be calmer and more rational, and the discussion will be more productive.

If an individual is experiencing severe mood swings and you're concerned about them, get help 24/7 by calling the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration national helpline at 800-622-HELP (4357). Take any threats of self-harm or suicide seriously and don't hesitate to take the person to the emergency room or call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988.

Communication and BPD Episodes

Being in a relationship with someone with BPD poses some unique challenges, but there are ways you can support them while also taking care of yourself.

Listen with Empathy

Taking active steps to listen with an open mind and hear about what someone is going through shows you care about them. Ways to listen with empathy include:

• Listen without judgment
• Avoid interrupting or cutting off their sentences; wait your turn to speak
• Remove distractions so you can give your undivided attention
• Be comfortable with silence
• Show your listening with nonverbal messages, such as eye contact and nodding
• Restate and paraphrase using the person’s words, ask questions, and clarify comments as needed
• Consider what the other person is feeling and try putting yourself in their position while you listen

Validate Their Feelings

Validation—affirming how someone feels—allows them to be seen and gives them hope. An invalidating environment is a major trigger for people with BPD.

You don't necessarily have to agree with the person. Validation simply means you're listening and acknowledging the person's feelings. Research has found that validation helps improve long-term therapeutic outcomes for people with BPD.

Explore Their Interests

It’s not healthy for anyone to make their diagnosis the bedrock of their identity or personality. Your loved one with BPD still has other interests, and their life is larger than the diagnosis. Make the space to explore their interests and plan activities together.

Set Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are essential for your self-care. Be clear about what your limits are and what the consequences will be if they're ignored. Clear boundaries can provide structure and predictability, helping reduce the fear of abandonment and rejection.

Be honest but kind—reassure the person that you want your relationship to continue, but you have to set some boundaries to take care of yourself. By consistently reinforcing your boundaries, you can help improve your relationship with your loved one, too.

Be Clear and Consistent

Avoid ambiguous statements and ensure your words match your actions to minimize potential misunderstandings. People with BPD can perceive situations or comments in extremes. By communicating supportive messages and boundaries clearly and consistently, your loved one knows what to expect.

Check In Regularly

Since fear of abandonment is a major trigger for people with BPD, checking in with them consistently reassures them that you have not forgotten about them and provides a sense of security.

Learn About Treatments and Support

All the love and support in the world cannot take the place of professional mental healthcare services. Most psychotherapy occurs with a licensed, trained mental health professional in one-on-one sessions or group settings.

Psychotherapy (sometimes called talk therapy) is the main treatment for people with BPD.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is the most common treatment for BPD and is highly effective. It teaches mindfulness and skills to help people manage intense emotions, reduce self-destructive behaviors, and improve relationships.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help people with borderline personality disorder identify and change core beliefs and behaviors that come from inaccurate perceptions and problems interacting with others. CBT may help people reduce mood swings and anxiety symptoms and may reduce the number of self-harming or suicidal behaviors.

By familiarizing yourself with DBT and CBT, you can help your loved one practice these skills. You can help your loved one get the care they need by being aware of local inpatient and outpatient treatment programs. Should they threaten self-harm or suicide, dial 988 to be connected to the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

Change Their Focus

Using distraction can sometimes be a useful strategy when the person’s emotions are intensifying. Try suggesting activities or tasks, such as watching a film, going out for a walk, or doing chores. Another strategy is to start an activity yourself and encourage them to join you when they feel ready.

It's also important to avoid escalating the situation. Acknowledge their feelings, but avoid arguing or confrontations. Instead, try to de-escalate by remaining calm, patient, and composed.

Offer Constructive Criticism

Constructive criticism involves providing feedback that is meant to help someone improve. It offers specific, actionable suggestions in a kind, caring manner with good intentions. This can be a challenging situation because people with BPD may interpret even minor feedback or constructive criticism as a personal attack, leading to intense emotional reactions. Offering feedback when the person is not having an episode is more likely to be effective.

Be Patient

Remind yourself that BPD is a mental health condition and that your loved one isn't purposely being hurtful. Treatment can be effective in managing the symptoms of BPD, but it takes time. Being patient and supportive while your loved one is developing skills to manage their symptoms can be difficult, but important for a healthy relationship.

How to Get Support for BPD

A strong support network can help make BPD treatment more effective. Things you can do to support your loved one during BDP treatment include:

• Encouraging treatment and learning about the treatment they are getting
• Learning about BPD to better understand them
• Reassuring them, even when they’re having episodes, and validating their feelings
• Realizing that this is a clinical disorder, and their symptoms are part of it
  

Being a support system for someone with BPD is great, but don't overlook the support you need, too. A therapist or support group can help you work through your struggles and emotions, educate yourself about BPD, and arm you with tools to improve communication.

Summary

Being in a relationship with someone with BPD can be challenging. However many communication strategies can help. These include validating the person's emotions, setting boundaries, communicating clearly and consistently, learning about their treatment, and being patient. At the same time, it's just as important to take care of yourself and get the support you need.

People living with BPD can be very intense; that's the disorder manifesting itself. There are many things you can do to provide support, but don’t take it upon yourself to “fix” anyone. Professional treatment for them—and outside support for you—is a smart approach.

Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

1. National Institute of Mental Health. Borderline personality disorder.
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3. Crisis Prevention Institute. 7 tips for empathic listening.
4. Mehlum L. Mechanisms of change in dialectical behaviour therapy for people with borderline personality disorder. Current Opinion in Psychology. 2021;37:89-93. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2020.08.017
5. National Alliance on Mental Illness. Supporting someone with borderline personality disorder.
6. Kay ML, Poggenpoel M, Myburgh CP, Downing C. Experiences of family members who have a relative diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Curationis. 2018;41(1):1892. doi:10.4102/curationis.v41i1.1892

By Jaime R. Herndon, MS, MPH
Herndon is a freelance health/medical writer with a graduate certificate in science writing from Johns Hopkins University.

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